Sunday, October 18, 2009

Lovers I Never Had

Daydreams? -- no. Reminiscences? -- no. Hopes, Dreams or Ambitions? -- no. What things could have been? -- no. So, what are they, the lovers I never had? They are simply recollections of people (men, specifically, in my case) that have touched me, although not really touched me as in the biblical sense.

My feeling that is if people have stayed in your mind after as many decades that have passed since I knew them, however briefly or fleetingly, there must be something there. Otherwise, how could there be a connection? I think I've figured it out. They're signposts to other realities that never became manifest. How many other signposts have we had like these in our lives, the road not taken?

My life has been rich and full, filled with adventure, taking risks, at times being quite crazy. I've been surrounded by loving family who fill me with joy. My creative energy still flows strongly, and my chosen business continues to give me pleasure as well as challenges. I have interesting and caring friends and don't think I've ever known the real meaning of "bored."

Most people are happy enough with a home which is their sanctuary. I have two. Both of them are beautiful. Every night I lay me down to sleep, it feels like a sacred space and it is my heartfelt wish that everyone on earth had a place to lay themselves down to rest that would give them solace and respite. Someone else will have to take care of the feeding and clothing part -- I just wish them to sleep well and feel comforted.

I'm deeply connected to nature and don't believe I've let a day go by in decades, where I'm not consciously aware of all the blessings and beauty that are given to me. I'm surrounded by green growing things, by plants, flowers and trees, most of which I've planted myself although I've been fortunate enough to find land that started out with old growth trees. I'm surrounded by them right at this moment, their full branches disrobing from their summer opulence and changing to their fall finery.

The life that has unfolded for me and continues to unfold (it ain't over til it's over, as someone once said), is touched with mystery and magic and I take little for granted. I've little or no attachment to the way I look, sometimes with long hair, sometimes with short. I have a varied wardrobe and wear long velvet skirts as well as jeans, silk as as well as denim. I travel. I never feel stuck in a "rut" or role.

Complaining about my life would probably be last on my list, as I don't think it would or could ever occur to me to do so. I love my life and try to live it with gratitude, consciousness and awareness. I try to help others when I can. So, why do I sometimes think of the lovers I never had? I think the answer is that they represent lives I might have had, or certainly episodes that might have had a direct impact on the choices I did make.

This is so with all of us. Some read their signposts directing their career, their family, their personal relationships and sometimes think of the way things could have been. Maybe. But for me, these lovers I never had are simply reminders that we all have lots of choices that continue to unfold for us like beads on a string, different colors, textures and sizes.